Anchored

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Well, it’s been three months since my last post. Since then I’ve moved into my new home – a lovely flat near the town centre in Trowbridge. It’s pretty much all up together, just a few things still to sort. I’m enjoying living there and it’s nice to own a property again. The girls love staying there, especially the fact that it’s close to the park and the cinema. For me it’s very convenient and the neighbours are lovely. So, all is good.

But… I’m still me. I’m still a little screwed up.

I’m still in love with someone who I can’t have and who doesn’t want me anyway. I feel so terribly empty and a little bit foolish.

How much time does it take to get over someone?! I’ve tried everything I can think of. None of it has worked. I have this loyalty inside me that is anchored firmly. That may sound good in principle but when a relationship ends, that loyalty is still there. It doesn’t just disappear. It means I can’t move on. The loyalty becomes an anchor holding me down. I try to move on, but that rotten anchor won’t release. Worse still, I do things to release the anchor. But I don’t really want to release the anchor, so I end up making half-hearted attempts. Every attempt fails.

So, now I’m a solitary little boat, stuck, rising and falling on a turbulent ocean, going nowhere, watching the sun go over the horizon as the moments of my life disappear like the fading light.

I need to stop grasping, and wanting. It’s hard, but with that in mind I have been studying Buddhism. I am not religious in any way, but I like the less esoteric concepts of Buddhism, such as meditation and mindfulness, and the idea of impermanence, and also the concept of desire or wanting (grasping) being the cause of a lot of our suffering.

The key is to accept that things change, and not to fight against it, to not grasp for that which is gone, or is beyond my control – but it’s so damn hard to do.

Sadly, this situation is beyond my control, and the only thing I can do is accept. But the truth is, I don’t want to accept. I want to be free of hurt, yes, but not free from her.

So, yeah, still a loving, overly-loyal, emotional idiot 🙂

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